The Wisecracks Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Tentei No Mai, Jul 22, 2011.

  1. Tentei No Mai Bitch Pudding!

    In this thread we get to discuss the things we've said to loved ones, hated ones, and strangers that could be considered "smart" or "snappy" (or maybe even mean as hell).

    Back in middle school we had a teacher in training that would try to act as though she's reasonable and actually sane. Anyway, during class the topic of tits came about due to our junior teach looking as though she wasn't wearing a bra. So, to get us to shut up without using the words "LUNCH DETENTION", "FAIL YOU PUNKS", or "I POISONED THE COOKIES YOU'VE JUST EATEN AND THERE'S ONLY ONE VIAL OF ANTIDOTE" she actually said "they're breasts, big deal" and then I go (no, not literally!)

    manyuu-hikenchou-episode-2-image-gallery-096.gif
    THAT'S THE PROBLEM MA'AM, THEY ARE NOT A BIG DEAL-THEY ARE SMALL TIME

    >_> Bitch kicked me out AND I had lunch detention the next day. Not my fault she forgot to wear her push up bra, right!?
  2. Nazo Moderator

    I have a school story.

    My Computer Discovery teacher had me kicked out of the class, for the remainder of the term, because SHE called me "the stupidest student I've ever had." Because I asked a lot of questions. Because I LOVE computers, I wanted to know more about them, and apparently my wanting to ask questions and wanting to learn by her obvious intellect in the subject, being the teacher and all, was a showing of lacking intelligence. Ergo, wanting to know how shit works is apparently stupid. Now... I'm not INCREDIBLY smart, but the only way to offend me is to try to go after my intelligence. Though, it doesn't work on the net since most of the time I'm being a troll and if you take me serious when I'm talking out my ass, you're a retard. Either way, I stood up and told her, "Yeah? Well... FUCK YOU."

    Took me to the principles office herself, got someone to watch over the class. I refused to explain why I did it as the principle was as fucktarded as herself. I told him I did it because I felt like it. I got a day of ISI and expelled from her class. I had to take Reading class twice in the day, which wasn't a big deal for me since I would have my 5th period work done before I got there so my 5th period was a free time for me. I just drew and shit lol.

    So worth it.
  3. Tentei No Mai Bitch Pudding!

    >__> I'm really not surprised by that story...in fact, the whole time I kept going "that's Kurisu-kun for sure, I can tell from the expletives and the lack of forgiveness for adult stupidity"! Man, sort of reminds me of Sunday School...OH, HEY, I KNOW, I CAN TELL A SUNDAY SCHOOL STORY, ROCK ON.

    So, like, I guess I was seven when this happened, because I definitely don't remember going with my cousins to Sunday School during summer V as an eighter. Our "teacher" was a fragile old lassie that seemed like she got off on ruler beatings, but I digress...even at that age I felt the need to ask questions such as "um, bibles, did God actually write it or are you losers just making stuff up?" or "COME ON BABIES COME FROM SEX, SO HOW COULD THERE BE A VIRGIN MARY!?" because my mother was never the type to sugar coat the truth unless we're talking about Santa or something. Now, I think what really got her pissed at me was when she went on about the communion of Christ or whatever (you know, taking in the body of Jesus with a saltine cracker and some grape juice or something) and I just kept laughing, because it made no flipping sense to me.

    I was like "but this is a cracker, why are we eating crackers if we're suppose to be eating savior meat...which is weird, because I thought eating people was bad. That's why zombies are enemies, right? And we're not vampires, so why are we drinking Jesus blood that's not really blood, but grape juice?" The hag actually called me a heathen and tried to ban me from the classroom after the other kids started to ask questions >__>;. I'm also sure she called me the devil's daughter more than one time, too, and honestly, I thought I was being innocent! Guess that's why I'm just not highly into the Christianity unless the congregation is more about friendly get-togethers and charity work, huh?
  4. Codfish Sacrifice Theory

    Haha, speaking of religion, I get into religious debates with older people all the time. I come from a town full of hardcore Christians, and it drives me crazy.
    So I was talking to this lady about holidays and how Christian holidays are based on pagan ones, and she was telling me I was wrong, everything was symbolic and all that bullshit. So I said, "Okay then, I'll give you some symbolism. Bunnies are for sex, and eggs are for fertility. I mean... how plain can you get? What did you think it stood for? 'the chocolate of the eggs is the same color as Jesus's cross?' Or is it maybe, 'Jesus is coming quick hide the eggs!" She was a bit flabbergasted, of course, so we switched to Christmas. And so I asked, "Was Jesus born to a fat guy in a red suit? I mean, you said everything was symbolic, so where does Santa come from?" Then I got up and walked away, frustrated with stupidity. XD
  5. Tentei No Mai Bitch Pudding!

    *blinks* Now, that, I did not see coming. Man, I deal with them religious folk, but it seems you have it ten times worse than I do, Stephers! When it comes to that kind of topic it should always be put up or shut up just to avoid a mass of dumbass, so yeah. Hm, another wisecrack...ah, this is more lighthearted. I was like 11 and my mother was all like "how much cash do you have on you" and I was like "10 dollars and a handful of quarters", so she asked me for 5 dollars which prompted me to ask what for. Then she used the "I AM THE PARENT YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW" card and I threw down my trap card which was "WHY SHOULD I GIVE SOMEONE MONEY IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO WITH IT", so she goes "I need marijuana and I hate ATMs". So, that caused me to read aloud my D.A.R.E. pamphlet on the dangers of drugs and then I said "I'm sorry, but I can't support your habit. You need help." and then left for the bathroom.

    I didn't get to eat dinner that night >__>;.
  6. Nazo Moderator

    HAHA... Lol @ hardcore Christians. They can't even interpret the bible they go by correctly.

    Also, Mai, I can totally explain the 'virgin' Mary. Imagine the two just messing around. The guy gets too excited and blows his load. A bit of 'cargo' from the drop hits the wrong side of the landing strip. Basically I'm saying he jizzed on Mary, it hit her cunt and some seeped in. Lol.

    I don't mean this seriously, but it's a lulzy theory I think. I'm too tired to think of a snappy story, sorry. :(
  7. Tentei No Mai Bitch Pudding!

    ...HOLY CRAP THAT COULD FUCKING WORK BECAUSE ALL SPERM NEEDS IS A CHANCE WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT ARE YOU A WIZARD!? Dayuuuum, either you're good or I'm just slow (could be both >__>).

    Let's see...another wisecrack. Man, this happened a while ago (like, still in college a while ago), but I attended my little cousin's birthday party at the roller rink. The majority that was at his party came from his side of the family who are like...so...fucking...ghetto. I'm talking the whole nine yards, but since I had an obligation as the big cousin to be present...well, I just stuck it out for an hour or two. During that time some of guy came up to me for conversation or as he put it "ta hollah". He asked me questions such as "WHICH WAN O' THEM IZ YO KIDZ" and "ooh shawdie where u been at?" while dodging my questions that pertained to...well...reading. I tried my best to hold it in, but the moment I saw an opening (besides his asscrack-showing boxers) I did my best to skidaddle. That's when he grabs my wrist and is like "boo, you gonna give me your digits?".

    Instead of snapping (verbally and physically) I sat back down and went in my bag to scramble up the necessary items. I pulled out my hamtaro ink pad, pressed each tip of my ten fingers into it, and then placed them on a sheet of paper. That was when I handed it to him with a smile and told him that someday it could be famous since I'm planning on being the next Lorena Bobbit, so please continue to call me boo since...well, it might be fitting when I'm hovering over your bed with a cleaver. Saw style.

    I don't think I was ever invited to my little cousin's birthday party sense >__>.
  8. Codfish Sacrifice Theory

    That's the best story ever. Mai-senpai is my hero.

    I don't really have a tale to tell myself, but I will cite an example of great wise-cracks. Just pay attention to Sophia on the Golden Girls. She's awesome.
  9. Rainbow Deluxe Duchess of All Things Pretty and Music

    I actually can't pin point an exact moment right now when I've given off a smart ass comment, considering I usually do nothing but be a smart ass to most of my friends. I'll come back to the thread though, because I'm sure when I go to bed, a million moments will pop into my head and I'll be like "UGH WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!?"
  10. Codfish Sacrifice Theory

    ^ Same thing with me.

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